ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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