just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
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Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
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11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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