Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
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Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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