i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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