Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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