I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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