just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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