Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
don't judge my taste in strippers
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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