her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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