You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
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