the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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