I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize