just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
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He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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