I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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