I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize