Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
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