I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
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