Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
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Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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