I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
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I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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