What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
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I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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