I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
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i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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