Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
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he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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