Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
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just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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