Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize