tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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