Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize