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I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
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