So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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