I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
