Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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