Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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