You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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