and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
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How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
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if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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