my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize