Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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