Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
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That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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