Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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