So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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