that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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