well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
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idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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