Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize