My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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