you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
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I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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