Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize