were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
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Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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