My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
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I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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