you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize