I wish my penis had an off switch
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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