you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You're like the curious george of whores
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She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
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He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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