you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
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She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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